Rule #2: Relationship First

You’d think we wouldn’t even need to say this. Of course, everything starts with relationship. The most important things in our lives are the people, right? Our families. Our friends. So many people are so dear to us.

But as we continue this conversation about the Four (Foolish) Rules for Life Together, it feels oddly necessary to put this one into words. Why is that? In Foolish Church, I said, “The first and best thing we do…is enter into real relationships with real human beings” (p. 27). I spent a whole chapter on this subject (chapter 2). Why?

Well, on a good day, we don’t need the reminder. We cuddle up together, or smile and toast our latest win. Relationship is easy on a good day.

But our days won’t always be good ones. There will be friction, and small and large resentments. We’ll disappoint one another, or expect more than they can give. Or they’ll out-and-out betray us. These things happen when we do life together.

Not to mention that we’ll find ourselves, most of us, meeting random new people and then we’ll have to figure out what to do with them, too. If we believe, like we said last week, that “Everything Belongs,” we’ll have to find a way to make room for people we don’t know yet.

It’s those days that we need the reminder. We need the #FourFoolishRules for the times when Life Together gets complicated, and when that new person comes into view. Suddenly “Relationship First” is an important reminder, and a critically important Rule #2.

I didn’t understand this rule, really, until I became a pastor inside a prison. I learned relationship when I discovered I didn’t have anything else to offer to the women I met there. I couldn’t give them so much as a pencil, or a piece of candy, nor make phone calls or send letters at their request.

It took me awhile to figure out I had something more valuable to offer. It was relationship. My time, and attention, and occasionally a bit of insight. I learned there that whatever prayer she might have hoped I’d pray, or whatever question was on her mind when she walked in, my first response had to be taking the time to connect. The thing she most needed might not be the thing she had in mind when she walked in. “Relationship first” developed from dozens of conversations that ended up rich and satisfying, where we had something to offer each other.

Evidently I didn’t expect that! I think I arrived at the prison believing at some level that I already knew everything I needed to know about the women who lived there.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. I found myself among living, breathing human beings who had their own stories, challenges, hopes, worries, and more. I discovered a complexity, beauty, and strength that I somehow hadn’t anticipated.

I’m embarrassed about that, actually. How could I not have known people–even incarcerated ones–are that amazing?

It’s a lesson I’ve tried to carry into my relationships elsewhere. I remember it when I’m meeting someone new, and I try to remember it when friction arises between me and a person I already know. I remind myself that they’re complex and have more going on than I can see at first glance. I wonder what has happened to make them behave the way they just did.

If I stick with it far enough, I can almost always get to a point of compassion. Maybe not in the moment of maximum outrage or anxiety. But on reflection, at least.

“Relationship First” means that we try to pause for that step toward connection and compassion before taking action, before making decisions that will affect someone else, or our relationship with them. It means we see–really see–the people behind the situation, and value their personhood and perspective even when some action may need to be taken to address what they just did (as we’ll see next week).

So, to review: Rule #1 reminds us to keep our arms open, making room in a stance that affirms “Everything Belongs.” Rule #2 urges that the first step we always take with those ever-belonging people is relationship. “Relationship First.” Before we deal with any friction or question between us, or brush them off as irrelevant to our lives, we remember they’re a person more infinitely valuable than we can begin to imagine.

And it is from that truth that we proceed through the remaining rules, as we’ll see in the coming weeks.